DETROIT — The nation’s bosses have announced their plan to call you on collaboration platform Microsoft Teams the second you sit down on the toilet to take a shit, aggravated sources report.
“It was our collective decision to wait until you’ve sat on the toilet to call you out of the blue regarding non-pressing work matters,” said spokesperson for the National Bosses Alliance Tony Camarda. “We may even choose to call you at the exact moment that you’ve shot off a log, thus preventing you from being able to easily rush back to your desk. Of course, we will refrain from preceding our calls with a courteous ‘hey, can I call you really quick?’ message, because we like to keep you in a constant state of general unease with the knowledge that we could reach out at any time. For too long, the restroom has been a source of succor from the rigors of our late-capitalist hellscape, and this initiative will end that.”
You were irritated by the Alliance’s decision, but were unable to attend the meeting due to stomach issues.
“Ugh, typical,” you muttered as you polished off a bag of Party Size Blue Heat Takis. “My job is way too stressful as it is, and the 10 minutes I get to sneak off to the bathroom and move some units is the only thing getting me through each day. I figured the only thing that could make my job any worse is being forced to do it with an unwiped asshole, and unfortunately it looks like that’s what was decided today. I really hope I can make it to the next meeting to raise my objections.”
Organizational psychologist Katya Burke commented on the move by the nation’s bosses.
“I honestly don’t know what they were accomplishing with that decision,” Burke noted. “It’s common knowledge in virtually every workplace that bosses have a knack for calling as soon as we start pinching off a loaf. I understand that the stresses of work life affect those we report to as well, but it wouldn’t hurt for them to just wait until we return to our desks to call with their inane requests. The world is bad enough as it is, so please just let us shit in peace.”
At press time, the nation’s bosses had also announced their plans to walk past your cubicle the second you start looking at your phone.
