ARCATA, Calif. — Local school teacher Sally Beehill is using pure instinct and deeply entrenched in thought while comparing which artichoke to purchase at the grocery store, confirmed sources who had no idea how to differentiate themselves.
“I suppose I’m supposed to be looking for any dark spots, bugs, or any other unpleasantries that can come with fresh, local produce, but it’s really just based on a hunch,” said Beehill. “However, this is bigger than all of that. It’s bigger than me, even. I’m not so much comparing artichokes as I am listening to the warm animal of my body and awaiting her guidance. There is a liberated, primal beast within me that will point me towards which one of these miraculous botanical gifts will pair best with the end of my jar of mayo that’s about to turn if I don’t use it. I don’t care if I’ve been standing here for 15 minutes. I need to know which one speaks to me directly before I move onto selecting the right mango.”
Onlookers have gathered in the produce section of local grocer Wildberries Marketplace and are waiting with bated breath for Beehill’s decision.
“What’s her strategy? What’s her value system?” shopper Terry Manson queried. “If I need an artichoke, I just grab one or two and that’s that. I’ve never thought to compare them. Are some artichokes fundamentally better than others? Could I have been supping the divine nectar of ambrosia in the form of artichokey perfection this whole time had I known the proper tips? Have I been doing it wrong? What else am I doing wrong? Jesus Christ, am I even breathing right?”
Experts were reached out to to weigh in on Beehill’s vexation, and the clearest response offered came from Doug Chalmers of DillyDale Farms in Oxnard.
“Look, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret,” Chalmers confided. “What Beehill is doing is right. You just gotta go with your gut on this one. Every single day I wake up and sell these little sci-fi looking things to whoever wants to buy them. It doesn’t mean that I know what I’m looking at. I don’t have the first goddamn clue about what makes one better than another. Are you- is anyone– eating enough artichokes in their diet for this to matter?”
Beehill, now surrounded by a crowd reaching the dozens, was last observed tapping the artichokes for a reason that remains opaque to observers.
