COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — A local child developed a new kind of “little” diabetes after eating only Little Debbie snack cakes, sources confirmed.
“Growing up, I remember all of my friends eating nothing but Oatmeal Creme Pies. Every skate and punk show we went to, someone passed a box of pies around. Sure, we were constantly breaking bones, and I don’t know how many we lost to rabies, but I survived. How was I supposed to know you shouldn’t do the same when you have kids? Next you’ll tell me Nutella is just middle-class chocolate frosting,” said Welk Betrug, parent of the child of concern. “The doctor ran a test that showed my kid’s blood is 0.12% creme filling, which is 0.04 above the legal limit. They said it’s the first case they’ve seen of ‘little diabetes.’ Maybe we were eating expired Cosmic Brownies? I checked my health insurance, and my policy only covers diabetes types 11, F, and berry blast. What am I supposed to do now? I’d like an explanation.”
McKee Foods, owner of the Little Debbie brand, disputed the parent’s claims.
“First off, there is no such thing as an expired Little Debbie product. As everyone knows, Zebra Cakes don’t go bad; they just get chewier. This is due to their high deliciosity per serving, especially now that we’ve added beef tallow to the creme filling,” said Johnwayne McKee, chief snackability officer for McKee Foods. “Besides, what type of diabetes do you expect to get from Little Debbie? Type 2? Yawn. ‘Little diabetes’ is at the same cutting edge of portability, moreishness, and al dente outer shell that defines Little Debbie products. You don’t get that with sleazy, low-deliciosity brands like Hostess, stuck in the past dealing out type 1, the oldest kind of diabetes.”
Health experts say more research is needed.
“Not much is known about little diabetes other than that it is the cutest type of diabetes. It makes the pancreas do an adorable giggle when it drops a fresh squirt of insulin, much like a puppy leaving an oopsie on the carpet,” said Dr. Lisa Sampson, a pediatrician at Johns Hopkins. “I recommend this parent eliminate snack cakes from the child’s diet immediately. Instead, switch to full-sized pies, cakes, and Swiss rolls. That increases the chance of super-sizing to type 2 diabetes, which is better researched and treatable.”
As of press time, McKee Foods promised to underline the word “oatmeal” on each box of Oatmeal Creme Pies in an attempt to convince the public it’s a health food.
