COSTA MESA, Calif. — Apparel and skateboarding shoe brand Vans is partnering with elder care brand Life Alert to cater to their aging clientele, representatives confirmed.
“We figured that eventually our customer base would shift to the younger generations, but it turns out that Gen X and elder Millennials are our ride or dies, despite the fact that they keep riding and almost dying,” said Vans spokesperson Joe Jenkins while giving a live demonstration of how to press the “help” button on the device. “We felt it was becoming irresponsible to ignore how many torn ligaments and joint replacements were happening with our help. These stubborn 40 year olds were scared to admit when they had fallen and couldn’t get up at the skate park. So we called up Life Alert with an idea, and Shred Alert was born.”
Local aging skater Bryan Roche shared his thoughts on the upcoming drop.
“Bro, this is totally going to change the game,” said Roche while grimacing in pain after standing up too fast. “I mean, usually when I fall and break my hip in the bowl, young skaters just shred over me like I’m an element. They started assigning points to different body parts. I was too embarrassed to admit I needed help, though. Now I can discretely press my Shred Alert and be peeled off the ground by medical experts instead of my wife.”
Ashley Thomas, a local public health expert, talked about the positive impact this product will have on this ever expanding community of aged skaters.
“Shred Alert has the opportunity to address a very specific but serious issue that’s facing people who refuse to accept that they are middle aged,” said Thomas. “Most people don’t even realize how often we’ve had to put down aging skaters whose broken legs healed wrong because they weren’t seen by a doctor in time. This won’t stop their decrepit bodies from breaking, but it will get them the help they need when they need it.”
At press time, Vans took inspiration from their own idea and is working on a partnership with select surgeons to offer two for one knee replacements for skaters using Shred Alert.
