WASHINGTON – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has officially admitted the U.S. military erroneously bombed a school during the assault on Iran, when it should have just sent in a lone, radicalized right-wing gunman to do the job, the Pentagon has confirmed.
“Yeah, this one’s on us. We relied a little too heavily on AI and drones to blow that school for girls’ sky high, and that’s not what America is about. What we should have done was send in a 22-year-old white guy who has been brainwashed and desensitized by years of MAGA coded content with an AR-15 and let him go to town,” said Hegseth. “Not only is it more in line with our warrior ethos, but the media also wouldn’t have given a shit, and we could’ve moved on with our campaign after a few bullshit ‘thoughts and prayers’ while achieving the same death toll. If only we had tapped into the limitless pipeline of violent young men eager to satiate their fragile masculinity by murdering women and children of color, it would’ve saved us the time of having to acknowledge any wrongdoing.”
“Going forward, we plan to send numerous squads of chronically online incels to infiltrate Tehran’s malls, schools, and music venues in hopes of killing as many civilians as possible, that way if they get killed we can at least tell everyone they were trans to take the heat off of us.”
As of press time, Hegseth has ordered all drone bombing to cease until the military can gather more accurate intel on which Iranian schools have the most lax security.
This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.
