BRISTOL, Conn. — Rodney Carlson, supposed fan of English rock and blues guitarist-turned-anti-vaxxer Eric Clapton, showed himself to be fully inoculated against numerous diseases including measles and rubella, disgusted sources report.
“I’ve been a huge fan of Eric Clapton since I first heard ‘Layla’ by Derek and the Dominos as a kid, which was way before vaccines were even invented,” said Carlson. “I’ve heard that he’s been in the news in recent years for having some controversial opinions about science, which I don’t really share because I’m vaccinated myself, but I don’t really pay attention to all that stuff, you know? There’s a lot of turmoil and unrest in society these days, so I like to turn to music as an escape from all that stuff. Besides, I don’t look to Clapton for his medical advice. I look to him for his stance on immigration.”
Fellow fan Jeremy Kondle was enraged by the news.
“This guy has been fully protected against catching measles and rubella, and he has the fucking nerve to call himself a Clapton fan?” Kondle spat. “Who does he think he is? Everyone knows vaccines cause all sorts of issues that doctors don’t want to tell us about because they’re profiting off them. Didn’t he heed the warnings that Eric Clapton gave us? He has absolutely no business listening to that music. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m starting to feel feverish, and I’ve noticed this rash on my face that’s spreading down to my neck, so I’m going to lie down for a while.”
Clapton couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“This guy claims to be a fan of mine, and he’s vaccinated?” Clapton gasped. “Doesn’t he know that everything we’ve been led to believe about vaccines is actually propaganda? Hasn’t he heard my horror stories about how the COVID-19 vaccine caused my hands and feet to briefly go numb? Is he not aware of how dangerous it is to undergo all these jabs? The measles and rubella should both just be a part of growing up. There’s no reason to subject ourselves to the experimentation of the woke murderers who distribute these death syringes. I hereby denounce his fandom and that of anyone else who’s protected against these or any other preventable diseases.”
At press time, Carlson revealed that he’s also a big Van Morrison fan.
