PHOENIX — Local resident Peter Unger has an impressive collection of more than two dozen guitars, from a 1956 Stratocaster to a brand new PRS Custom 24, despite his beginner skill level, confirmed sources.
“Everyone knows him as the guy who sits there with a five thousand dollar electric guitar, atonally strumming ‘Hot Crossed Buns.’ And then the poor dumbass buys the damn thing,” reported local music store owner Graham Ives. “His purchases account for over 85% of my quarterly earnings. I’m going to be able to retire early. But at what cost? His cacophonous dickering not only clears out my store, it also burrows into my ear like a weevil and becomes the soundtrack to all my nightmares. I’m also haunted by the ghosts of the trees. So many perfectly healthy spruce, mahogany, and rosewood trees have been chopped down in their prime just for some delusional jackass to butcher ‘Wagon Wheel.’”
While Unger earns a moderate income working as a customer service representative at a chemical plant, his insatiable lust for the finest guitars has landed him in dire financial straits.
“The last straw was when he pawned my engagement ring for a guitar,” said Unger’s ex-wife Monica Bowers. “We were already living in squalor. No food in the cupboards. Our water got shut off twice. But I honestly could have forgiven everything if his playing wasn’t so goddamn unlistenable. Seriously, I could have learned to live without indoor plumbing if he could have learned to play even one song adequately.”
Ethnomusicologist Blaine Davis notes that this behavior, however bizarre, is far from unique.
“Ever since the lyres and lutes of ancient Mesopotamia, there have been those who hoard quality instruments despite lacking aptitude,” said Davis. “These individuals incorrectly believe that they are talented, and that owning the best tools will lend credibility to this nonexistent talent. Throughout history, many of such individuals have held enough wealth and power that others have been hesitant to point out their insufficiency. In this way, Unger is anomalous. All of his loved ones have informed him in no uncertain terms that his playing makes them regret the embryonic process during which they developed auditory nerves. Still, he persists.”
At press time, Unger continued his years-long attempt to master the opening riff of “Smoke on the Water.”
