NEW YORK — Millions of Americans were crushed after realizing that the Food Network’s “Beat Bobby Flay” was just a show about cooking, confirmed sources who immediately turned off the program upon seeing the lack of unadulterated violence.
“I’m deeply dismayed,” began legendary chef Gordon Ramsay while removing his MMA gear. “In addition to my ultra marathons, I’ve been diligently practicing jeet kune do and Brazilian jiu jitsu to ensure my victory, even though I didn’t even think it would be much of a contest. He’s not the kind of guy that exactly invokes fear. God dammit, I’ve wanted a crack at that ginger-pated knobhead for years. What a shame. I suppose I’ll just have to be content with destroying him at cooking. A vermin-eyed Manhattan tosser that fancies themselves a chili aficionado? Fuck off.”
Flay himself couldn’t believe how many viewers misconstrued the show’s premise.
“Of course, it’s a cooking competition,” scolded Flay. “I’m a chef and I have been my whole life. I feel like most of you have to know this. Did you really think I’d have agreed to spend over a decade making a show where people just kick my ass? Also, I’m not some kind of emotionless automaton. Can you imagine what it feels like to learn that all of my colleagues only showed up to the studio because they thought they were getting a pass to wail on me?”
Upon clarification of the show’s purpose, UFC president and violence retailer Dana White was forced to scrap his cross-promotional plans.
“Oh, I had so many great things in the works,” White bemoaned. “I was drawing up cards for future UFCs to take place at Martha’s Vineyard or the James Beard Foundation. I pre-paid for judo lessons for Alex Guarnaschelli and Rocco Dispirito for the next two years. I had Marcus Samuelsson and Shota Nakajima on an intensive training regimen with Javier Mendez. We were all excited to watch these culinary greats beat the ever-loving shit out of Bobby Flay. While, yeah, the fact that it’s a cooking show makes a lot more sense, this is a giant communication misfire that unfortunately robs the fans of the show that I think we all know they’d much rather be watching.”
As of press time, cooking or no cooking, an undeterred Iron Chef Stephanie Izard was spotted lying in wait to ambush chef Flay outside of his penthouse.
