BALTIMORE — First-time concertgoer Keith Sulzbach was disappointed to learn that a band he recently saw only performed the live versions of their songs, confirmed sources who couldn’t believe musicians would do that to them.
“Aren’t they aware their studio recordings sound more polished? Why not play some of that?” said Sulzbach. “Not to mention the band changed the lyrics of one song to reference the local sports team, added an extended jam session, and worst of all, talked between songs instead of flowing seamlessly from one track to the next. The songs weren’t even in the same chronological order that they are on the album. Also, I had to yell so my friend, who was standing directly next to me, could hear what I was saying. At home I can just turn down the volume. Why can’t it be more like that?”
The band didn’t seem to take the criticism well.
“You can’t put it all on us, mate,” said frontman Scott Galpin. “A lot of the problem comes from the fans. They’re constantly singing along, moving about, or worse, shouting things to each other. We used to ask everyone to sit quietly, but after being ignored for so long, we’ve given up. What you get onstage is virtually indistinguishable from what you get after countless hours of do-overs, edits, and replacing our drummer with a bloke we found in the hallway when our drummer failed to show up to the studio for the third day in a row.”
Music producers expressed befuddlement on the phenomenon.
“We don’t know why bands insist on performing the live version of their music when they put in so many hours in the studio,” stated Mike Larsko, CEO of A-Hole Records. “Get us in there, put a soundproof wall in front of the audience, and maybe work a little autotune magic. Ideally, the fans should experience as little of what the band actually sounds and looks like as possible. That is how live music is meant to be experienced.”
As of press time, Sulzbach was found listening to the band’s studio album on his earbuds while watching the band perform live.
