NEW YORK — Newly minted ICE agent Jake Barnes was overheard complaining about the agency’s ongoing leniency towards Irish and Italian residents, confirmed sources.
“It’s not even about meeting our daily quotas but I just think we’ve gone too far ignoring the fact that there are tons of Irish and Italians running around this city who think they belong here!” said Barnes while eating a calzone at O’Sullivan’s Pub. “They want us to clean up America but our pool of candidates to pick up off the street is diminishing. We can only keep picking up the same Puerto Ricans until management thinks we’re slacking off! What happened to the America that also saw the Irish and Italians as unwelcomed? That’s the America I want to get back to!”
Coworker Rodolfo Barrera believes Barnes is being influenced elsewhere.
“Since he joined the agency a month ago he always wants to talk about ‘Peaky Blinders’ and asks everyone if we’ve seen it,” said Barrera. “But none of us have and he keeps talking about how we need to beat up the Irish and Italians like on that show but when we asked him why they do it he said he’s only seen the previews. He’s actually really good at stopping people of color but you can tell he’s not enjoying it. He threatens everyone with deportation back to Dublin which, honestly, sounds like a reward more than a punishment.”
Department of Homeland Security recruiter Jennifer Luera detailed how they try to prevent an agent from disobeying orders.
“We have lots of agents who are very eager to go above and beyond their required duties currently assigned and while we love the motivation to clean up America we don’t suggest they go outside of their current missions,” relayed Luera. “Historically, our agents aren’t well-equipped to fight anyone of Irish or Italian descent so they have strict orders to only question and detain anyone at least 10 years older than them, preferably female, and ideally too old to put up a fight. Our insurance package will not cover injuries sustained while on the job and we have no doubt they would lose a fistfight 9 times out of 10.”
At press time, Barnes was seen releasing an undocumented Canadian from custody after confirming with another ICE agent that Canada is in the United States.
