Hey, Mom and Dad, you hear that? You hear it? Listen closely now. That is the sound of vindication.
Oh, have you not heard? Yeah, they finally released the Epstein files. Pretty interesting read to say the least! Quite the list of names in that thing, let’s see, well, of course, there’s the president, no surprise there, sure. Noam Chomsky? That’s a wild one, huh? Dad, you’ve read him, right? Let’s see, who else, Elon Musk? Say, that was a Tesla I saw parked in the driveway, wasn’t it? Hmm. Well, hey, you know whose NOT in the Epstein Files, like at all? George fucking Fisher, that’s who!
George Fisher! Ugh, the guy from Cannibal Corpse and Corpsegrindr? The bands you were always yelling at me for playing too loudly! Yeah, the neck guy! What was it you used to say… “That garbage will rot your brain”? “That’s the devil’s music”? “No one named Corpsegrinder should be a role model?” Well, turns out my man’s hands are CLEAN! Meanwhile, your Clinton voting, Noam Chomsky cliff note reading asses just shelled out $40,000 to drive an electric pedophile wagon. I just stopped by to give you a well-earned glass of I TOLD YOU SO, mother FUCKERS!
Oh, there’s no actual evidence of wrongdoing on Noam’s part? That’s cool. You know what’s way cooler than that? Not being named in the fucking Epstein files AT ALL and being the greatest death metal frontman of all fucking time!
My heroes are nowhere near that pedo piece of shit, and yours are all over it. The Clintons! Malcolm Gladwell! Chris Tucker! Okay, hero is a stretch, but you guys definitely rented Rush Hour! Honestly, that one hurts me too, but the point is Cannibal Corpse is in the clear! If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pop into my old bedroom and blast The Bleeding at full volume all day for old times’ sake. Enjoy!
