LOVELAND, Colo. — A groundbreaking study released just in time for Valentine’s Day showed that shooting people with arrows does not make them fall in love, sources confirmed.
“The results are clear: 103 out of 100 study participants who were shot with arrows did not fall in love with the shooters, each other, or anyone else. That’s a 103% confirmation rate, since three of the arrows we shot missed and strayed into a parking lot, where we acquired three more study volunteers,” said Dr. Buck Vulpa, lead researcher. “The part of the body receiving the projectile did not change the results, either. Participants shot in the shoulder exhibited the same non-amorous response as those shot in the genitals. This deep dataset should put an end to the myths and misunderstandings perpetuated by pop culture—specifically Cupid—about how people fall in love. More research is needed, though, since one participant developed feelings for a nurse while recovering in a hospital.”
The world’s most eligible singles are already taking the study results to heart.
“This changes everything. I used to spend hours in fuckboi Discords for ways to hack my targets’ biologies to become more attracted to me. Not anymore,” said Condor Porcini, a self-described “extremely divorced” dad. “If shooting someone with an arrow doesn’t work, then not shooting them must have the opposite effect, right? I’m updating my dating profile tonight. I’ll stick ‘won’t shoot you with arrows’ next to that info about the two weekends a month I’m allowed to leave the house.”
Cupid, the beloved cherub of romance and official mascot of Valentine’s Day, did not share the same enthusiasm.
“People get me all wrong. First off, I’m a baby. If you’re expecting a baby to come along and solve your relationship issues, you’re ass deep in the Maury shit, and I can’t help you with that,” said Cupid. “Also, this is the 21st Century. I don’t use arrows anymore. I strap on tactical gear, clicky-clack an AR, invade people’s homes without a warrant, drag them onto the street in their underwear, and shoot them in full view of the public. It’s all in the name of love. Go study that, bitch.”
As of press time, archery equipment sold out nationwide after manosphere podcasters criticized the study’s authors for being “Marxist atheists” who “couldn’t be bothered to look into the biblical Cupid.”
