As a public servant, I am no stranger to minsunderstantiations. Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of them over the years. As a man enters his eleventh consecutive term as a senator, he is forced to look back on things he wishes he might’ve said differently.
To this end, I, Senator Ulysses B. Snurds of the great state of Arkansas would like to clarificate some comments I made last week that were taken wildly out of context. In a press conference I was holding to address a brief “neurological episode” I had last month, I said that I wanted to “end political division in America.” Now, some of my colleagues and constitulates have taken this as a sign that I might be willing to reach across the aisle politically and work with the opposition party. But that’s simply not the case. You see, when I proclaimed my desire to end political division, what I meant was I wanted to take math (ie, division) out of the schools, because it perplexes me, a politician.
Math is a terrible thing. No one should be forced to do it. I mean you open the Bible, you don’t see any stories about Moses solving for X or Jesus doing long division. How is math gonna help people in the current job market? You don’t need math to work in an Amazon warehouse or to drive an Uber. My grandmother never used math a day in her life and she never needed it, right up until the day she died of an accidental insulin overdose.
And let’s be clear: some people on the interwebs have brought up comments I made about wanting to reach across the aisle. But that was also taken out of context. I simply was quietly expressing my wish to fondle the very attractive young lady on the other side of the aisle at church. There’s nothing partisan about a good fondling. That’s just a fun treat for everybody.
But the idea that I’d want to reach across the political aisle to work with the Demmycrats is simply absurd. I don’t need to reach across the aisle. There is no aisle. The ‘Crats are basically on our side anyway. We both hate the poors, we both love writing cute little messages on bombs that we mail overseas and we love chowing down on some brisket in Tel Aviv on Spring Break!
