When I decided I wanted to pursue a career in medicine, there were plenty of avenues for me to choose from. I had a few friends in medical school who went into general practice, some went into neurology, and one ambitious gentleman opted for psychiatry. I’ve always been happy with the path I chose. Also—oh, what’s that? No, that’s not a novelty nametag or anything. My name is actually Dr. Feelgood, and no, I do not regret specializing in gastroenterology and hepatology.
Yes, I am aware of the title track from the 1989 Motley Crüe album that bears my namesake, and I assure you any similarities I have to the song’s muse end right there. I am not some purveyor of illicit substances. I have an M.D. from Johns Hopkins University and an active medical license from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, so please don’t assume you can use me to procure ketamine or cocaine. However, I would be happy to perform an endoscopy if you schedule an appointment.
Gastroenterology and hepatology are actually quite fascinating if you think about it. Did you know that there’s a direct line between the liver and the brain, and toxin buildup from a badly damaged liver can enter the brain through the bloodstream if—oh, you’re asking me about my name again. Well, yes, it is the name I was born with, and yes, I did choose to become a doctor after the Motley Crüe song had been popularized, but I don’t see how that’s relevant to this discussion.
I think I’ve made myself perfectly clear that my services are limited to things like colonoscopies, barium swallow tests, and stool tests. I could lose my medical license if I sold you recreational drugs, and at any rate, I don’t have any. As I was saying, you know that there have been a lot of really fascinating advancements in the field of gastroenterology in recent years. You can actually take a pill with a camera inside it, and it will take images from inside your digestive tract. Wait, where are you going?
OK, fine. I’ll be happy to sell you something you can use to get high if you’ll agree to listen to me wax intellectual on my life’s work for a little while longer. I heard this Rabeprazole can get you pretty fucked up if you take enough of it.
