ORLANDO, Fla. — Local metal band Grave Mistake issued an ultimatum Tuesday after their lead guitarist Jackson Hollister has been spending less time rehearsing and more time perfecting his jousting at his supposed “day job,” Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament, the band’s manager-merch-tech guy confirmed.
“We’re trying to write an album about ritual human sacrifice to the old sea gods, and meanwhile [Hollister] is showing up late because he had to cover for the torture chamber tour guide. Pick a side, buddy,” said frontman Paul Mercer, who has never held a job longer than four months. “He keeps saying he can’t do a show because he pulled a hamstring in the tilt yard. Last week he asked if we could shorten practice because his chainmail needed to be re-soldered. He’s going to have to either be a serious musician in the world’s only William Hope Hodgson themed metal band or a loser who play-fights for a bunch of Game of Thrones nerds.”
Hollister, however, believes there comes a time to put childish things away and focus on your career.
“Look, the band is fun but metal shows come and go, the crown is forever,” said Hollister, polishing his replica Balmung sword. “But Medieval Times is a career. I’ve got benefits. I’ve got a clear path forward. I’m second alternate for The King, so if Mike’s babysitter cancels and Jerry gets food poisoning again from the leftover turkey legs, I’m in! Do you know how many metal bands have a retirement plan? None. At M.T., if you show discipline, stay in character, and don’t harass the waitresses, you rise like the mighty Aeriophylon.”
Experts say the situation is more common than people realize.
“Metal musicians often reach a crossroads where they have to decide if they are ok touring the country all year to play for a total of 112 people,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, a psychologist specializing in heavy metal identity crises. “As they age they’re drawn to structured worlds where battle, hierarchy, and themed alcohol consumption are encouraged. For some, it’s Renaissance festivals. For others, it’s independent wrestling or starting a microbrewery making metal-pun beer names like ‘Haze Of Torment.’ It’s not about abandoning the band, it’s about finding a future.”
At press time, Grave Mistake confirmed they are auditioning new guitarists with the only requirement being their job is soul-crushing and dead end.
