TOPEKA, Kan. — Nu-metalhead Roger Antesburger found that his lifelong System of a Down fandom left him better informed than the vast majority of people he interacted with on a daily basis, sources report.
“Yeah, I really didn’t think of myself as an educated person,” Antesburger admitted. “But you wouldn’t think that after seeing me destroy my conservative friends in arguments. Just the other day I got into a debate with someone about America’s prison industrial complex. I told him that all research and successful drug policy shows that treatment should be increased and law enforcement decreased while abolishing mandatory minimum sentences, which is a direct quote from ‘Prison Song.’ I don’t even know if it’s true, but it shut him up. I don’t think I’ve ever voluntarily read a book in my life, but I feel smarter than almost everyone else around me all the time.”
Antesburger’s friend Wes Burke was taken aback by his knowledge.
“I don’t know where Roger learns this stuff, but he repeatedly shuts me down when we’re arguing,” Burke lamented. “He and I got into it a couple weeks ago about the supposed evils of capitalism. I personally don’t think it’s that bad, but he told me that 4,000 children die every hour from starvation while America, the richest nation in the world, spends billions of dollars building bombs every year. I don’t know where he got that information, and I didn’t have any rebuttal against it. Man, I need to get to the library and start reading as many books as possible so I can get as smart as Roger.”
System of a Down vocalist Serj Tankian was pleased by the news.
“I mean, it would definitely be better if our fans didn’t rely on us to educate them, but I’m glad it’s working,” Tankian said. “America wasn’t necessarily the most informed country on the planet when we started, and it’s gotten profoundly worse over the past few decades. If it’s up to us to make sure every nu-metal fan is as socially and politically aware as they can be to win arguments against conservatives that they know, so be it. Now I feel obligated to write an entire concept album about the Trump administration to get the word out on how corrupt it is.”
At press time, Antesburger decided to expand his knowledge by listening to Rage Against the Machine.
