FRESNO, Calif. — A new welfare stipulation requires recipients to pledge that they will not enjoy any purchased goods from using the benefits, confirmed local sources who were currently trying to contain their own excitement after placing the bacon-wrapped prawns and new Ben and Jerry’s flavor into their basket.
“Yeah, there’s been no misunderstandings, welfare recipients don’t earn enough to enjoy Bagel Bites,” said Madeline Kaye, spokeswoman for the Department of Health and Human Services. “The bottom line is, we barely even want them to have basic sustinence, let alone find comfort in the taste of it. Look, we’re doing most people a favor — you know how depressing it is even shopping for anything these days? It’s, like, 32 dollars for a block of Kraft cheese. So just get in, get the plain store-brand versions for your family and get the fuck out. Cookies or anything sugary better be loathed by your entire household or else you will lose these benefits.”
Some welfare recipients, like Emma Crowley, were concerned about the new stipulation.
“What does ‘not enjoy’ even mean?” Crowley began. “I had to sign some legal document before checking out and give an oath to the cashier that I will hereby detest the rotisserie chicken I purchased. This morning, I even had to frown extra wide for the supermarket’s security camera after grabbing some Oreos off the shelf. I simply cannot get enough of those double-stuffed ones. Just don’t tell the government that.”
County caseworker Mary Buchalski is getting a lot of calls since the implementation of the policy.
“The government just wants to teach you a lesson about your basic needs, and I must oblige, unfortunately,” said Buchalski. “They would like personal gratification to be kept to a minimum. The same goes with unemployment benefits. Only employed people are entitled to have fun. That and medical benefits. Does it make sense? Of course not, but the government isn’t in the business of wanting the best for their citizens. I do however find it weird that if birthday cake ingredients are purchased using welfare benefits, the recipients must forgo singing the accompanying ‘happy birthday’ song and limit gift-giving.”
At press time, a welfare recipient lost his benefits when he was caught saying “mmm mmm” after taking a bite of a banana he just purchased.
