AUBURN, N.Y. — Local greased up beefcake Roger Bornecki expressed his frustration at people’s continuous mistaking of him for a member of Manowar simply because he dresses like Conan the Barbarian and carries a sword everywhere, sources report.
“This is just getting ridiculous,” the total stud complained as he lathered a fresh layer of Vaseline over his rippling pecs and beautifully tanned, bulging biceps. “Just because I like to pump iron and dress a little unconventionally, people think I’m in some heavy metal band from this town that I’ve never even heard of. Just a few minutes ago, some guy yelled ‘other bands play, MANOWAR KILLS!’ while fist-bumping me. What the fuck does that even mean? Can’t I just put on my loincloth and run errands without being bothered? Honestly, I need to finish up my grocery shopping and run to the gym to work on my quads, so it would be nice if I could do that undisturbed.”
Bystander Phil Srisuwan was one of the people who had mistaken the toned Adonis for a member of Manowar.
“Oh shit, that guy’s not in Manowar?” Srisuwan said. “My bad, dude. I’m a huge metalhead and I just moved to this town. I know Manowar is from here, so I was totally stoked when I saw that nearly naked hunk walking down the street while holding a sword. I’ve already texted all of my metal friends that I just met a member of Manowar, so now I’m going to have to clarify that that didn’t actually happen. No wonder he just gave me this confused and irritated look when I screamed ‘death to false metal!’ at him. At least now I don’t think the guys in the band are huge dicks anymore.”
Manowar bassist/guitarist Joey DeMaio was also aggravated at the misunderstandings.
“Why do people think that every perfectly sculpted slab of beef walking shirtless down the street is in my band?” DeMaio lamented. “It takes more than a mouth-watering set of abs, perfectly shaped traps, slick, beautifully bronzed skin, and a savage and primitive wardrobe to play in Manowar, I can tell you that much. I’ve been in this band since 1980, and if every muscular mass of man-meat in this town was a bandmate of mine, we’d have more members than Slipknot.”
At press time, people began mistaking Bornecki for Doyle Von Frankenstein after he decided to stop carrying his sword everywhere.
