MINNEAPOLIS — Researchers at the University of Minnesota released the results of a groundbreaking animal behavioral study, finding that a cat playing with a discarded paper towel tube will be infinitely happier than you will ever be.
“After repeated studies monitoring feline brain activity we’ve come to the irrefutable conclusion that our test subject, an orange tabby named Paulie, achieved more happiness and fulfillment simply batting around a used paper towel tube than any of us will ever experience in our lifetimes. And yes, we are taking into consideration the birth of a child and winning the lottery,” said head researcher Devin Bronson. “I’m not trying to make it sound like humanity will never know true joy, but you gotta see this little guy go. He’s having the time of his life whacking around this shitty little cardboard tube without a care in the world. Even God would envy him.”
Paulie’s owner didn’t realize volunteering his cat for the study would lead to a worldwide existential crisis.
“I brought him to be observed for the study because he rejected every toy I’d given so far, and I figured the researchers could assess what could bring him the most contentment. I was not ready for him to be so taken with a piece of recycling. You could see it in his eyes that the shitty paper towel roll provided a level of fun and excitement I couldn’t possibly muster up on,” said Brian Holtz. “Does he have a bottomless reserve of dopamine, or did society collectively build a prison in which we can’t derive joy from the simple things in life? Maybe they can use this study to create some new drug we can take to find joy in fucking around with cardboard.”
Paulie himself did not understand why the study was so significant.
“I knew humans were dumb, but Jesus Christ. What more is there to life than tube? It’s the best thing ever. Have they tried knocking it around the living room for six hours and then licking their asshole? It’s not that complicated,” said Paulie. “The guy who was testing me said something about me triggering a collective angst among human civilization or whatever. Bro, just knock a coffee mug off the kitchen table.”
Paulie was later observed achieving an even higher level of serenity after shredding apart an entire Costco package of paper towels throughout the house and shitting in the bathtub.
