Opinion: If We Ban Automatic Weapons, What Will My Family Pose with on Our Christmas Cards?

If there’s one thing we need more than ever this holiday season, it’s peace on earth. And there’s no better way to achieve that than our constitutional right of unfettered access to guns. Nobody loves Christmas, America, and automatic rifles more than my family. Frankly, the more the merrier. However, the debate over gun control and access to machine guns has threatened to disrupt a family holiday tradition, and I think we all need to take a step back and focus on the main issue.

I mean if we ban automatic weapons now, what will my family and I pose with on our Christmas cards?

You assholes were dragging me on the internet last December when our “Ho Ho Ho-ver Our Dead Bodies” greeting card went viral after my libtard sister-in-law plastered it all over TikTok. What’s so offensive about a Christmas card with a picture of my family with a few dozen guns and a rocket launcher?

I love these guns like they’re family, and if you expect me to disown my exorbitant cache of weaponry for Christmas then you’re fucking crazy. And people think gunmen mowing down children are the heartless ones! How would I explain to my daughter, when I permit her to speak, that the woke mob won’t let her pose with her Trump bible and extended mag 9mm?

We are talking about a slippery slope here. If we start limiting what guns we can buy and model, what’s next, banning Christmas trees? Outlawing candy canes? Mandating we all have black Santas and forcing us to acknowledge Hanukkah? All we’ll have left is some lame ass photo of us all hugging in the snow like a bunch of soy-eating, Biden-loving hippies. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I know the left has been more than happy to demonize my white, Christian, Second Amendment-loving family as if we were some kind of terrorist cell. But they’ve never experienced the magic of running down the stairs and finding a gun that can shoot 400 rounds per minute underneath Jesus in the manger, the cold steel in their hands, feeling like a vengeful God. That’s what Christmas is all about, baby.

I could always send out cards of my wife and daughter bound and gagged while I hold up a sign reading “Finally, a silent night”, but apparently you’re not supposed to do that anymore either!