WESTON, Conn. — Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is reportedly cancelled after fans discovered his controversial relationship with an underage teenager back in the late 19th century, sources confirmed.
“Henri? Oh, she was a gal, a real gal. Real looker. Lovely boat race, d’you know what I mean?” Richards said incomprehensibly while smoking two cigarettes at once. “Sure, she was only 14 back then, but I assure you she looked 16. That’s legal, right? She’s also been long dead after she passed away of old age at 36. It’s not like she was 12 or anything. That would’ve been creepy. My biggest regrets were people finding out about this relationship with an 8th grader and recording ‘Satanic Majesties.’ A relatively unblemished track record for a guy whose career spans 140 years.”
Rolling Stones publicist Jamal Simpson defended the seemingly immortal guitarist.
“Keith Richards makes no apologies for being legally married to a child,” said Simpson. “He even wrote a song about her once. Furthermore, there is zero evidence that Keith was anything but a good husband and a productive member of society during the Chester A. Arthur administration. In fact, if you go to the town archives, you can see photos of Keith and a group of locals, in the process of repairing the local church that was damaged in a fire. And in the background, you can see Willie Nelson playing the banjo.”
Some believe these sorts of relationships were commonplace for classic rock musicians throughout the 1800s.
“The marriage was legal back then. But I can see why it’s not a good look today,” said rock journalist Brianna Yates. “But dating very young girls has always been a thing with rock stars—they lose their moral compass whenever they see middle school students. And to be fair, Mick Jagger also went hog wild with relationships back in those days too, like his brief stints with Susan B. Anthony and Florence Nightengale. They were all doing it.”
At press time, Richards was seen attending the COP climate conference in Brazil to give a keynote on how he endured the last ice age.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
