BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — The entire Peebles family was too preoccupied with their sports wagers to quarrel during Thanksgiving dinner, ending an 11-year streak of holiday screaming matches, confirmed sources.
“I was really looking forward to getting into it this year with Uncle Roy,” said Anna Peebles without looking up from her phone. “During Thanksgiving 2018, Roy snuck a rant into grace about Democrat-run cabals, so I was loving the idea of shutting him up with Epstein stuff. But I had to track a dozen bets across three different games, so I couldn’t remember the details. At halftime of the Packers-Lions game I closed DraftKings for a minute and called Trump a pervert. Uncle Roy actually seemed to agree with me, but then I realized he was just screaming ‘Yes’ because he hit a parlay. He was foaming at the mouth. We’ve never even been to Wisconsin or Michigan.”
According to 19 year-old Chaz McNutt, who attended as the date of the family’s youngest daughter Shelly Peebles, it was a “colossal waste.”
“This was supposed to be my introduction to the family,” said McNutt, as he paced in the garage. “Shelly called it a hard launch, whatever that is. I wanted to have the same opinion she did in the inevitable politics blowout, so I even read the news to prepare. The news! And for what? Just to be in the hole another four grand? Oh god, I’m ruined. I’m going to kill The Dallas Cowboys.”
Dr. Jerome Brucker is a Duke University researcher who covers the spread of sports betting in the United States and has called the trend troubling, specifically in the Peebles family, but sees a potential silver lining.
“Whoof!” said Brucker. “Couldn’t be me. I don’t care about the family stuff, I just mean those bets are trash. The Peebles are cowards. What’s the point of hedging on a moneyline bet? You gotta take bigger swings than that, my man. Way bigger, if you’re serious about winning. But you can win. No matter what your ex-wife says. According to my research, sponsored by FanDuel, you’re always just one wager away from covering the spread.”
At press time, the relaxed mood in the house was showing signs of strain after all, when family matriarch Gina “Gramma” Peebles was told she had too much white wine to drive to meet her bookie.
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