WASHINGTON — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. once again caused confusion in the scientific community after proposing a ban on a popular medication that prevents psychobilly freakouts, sources confirmed.
“This medication has been around since the ‘90s, and while it has drastically reduced the amount of psychobilly freakouts, we also need to consider the unintended side effects. Since its widespread adoption, we have seen a drastic rise in boring rock and roll bands like Vampire Weekend,” said Kennedy while feeding a parasitic wasp that nested in his neck. “There is also strong research showing that psychobilly freakouts are just natural expressions from musicians playing Gretsch brand guitars and those cool stand-up bass guitars. But this medication has transformed a generation of those innovative musicians into zombies who want to sound like The Strokes.”
Leading scientist Claude DeLarge disputes all of Kennedy’s assertions.
“With all due respect, Secretary Kennedy was not in the psychobilly scene in the ‘90s so he has no idea what he is talking about. I saw musicians who had been playing their guitars so fast during a freakout that they wore their fingers down to puny little nubs,” said DeLarge. “These men would then run the combs through their hair so fast they would nearly scalp themselves. There was a particularly bad strain of psychobilly freakouts in Texas that spread through a remote community of hot rod enthusiasts. People were cutting off the sleeves of their t-shirts while they were still wearing them and nicking arteries, at least eight people died.”
Psychobilly pioneer James Heath, known by his stage name Reverend Horton Heat, says this medication saved his life.
“I saw a lot of cats dance with the Devil, and brother, some of them juked and jived all the way down to the seventh circle of Hell. I’ll tell you, if my main squeeze didn’t get me my Horton’s little helper pills then I’d be down there with them,” said Heath from the backseat of his 1973 Ford Galaxie 500. “I was having at least a dozen psychobilly freakouts a day at my lowest point. I’d play guitar solos for hours on end until all my strings broke or my guitar caught on fire. Those were scary times, and we shouldn’t go back.”
Following the public outcry on the medication ban, Secretary Kennedy walked back his proposal and then claimed that wearing seatbelts is one of the leading causes of autism.
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