GORHAM, Maine — A local punk squirrel known as Slip Nutz was found stuffing his cheeks with Wintergreen Zyn pouches in preparation for the cold season ahead, sources confirmed.
“Nuts are out. Zyns are in. Wait. Write that down,” said the 15-ounce squirrel through cheeks full of nicotine. “Plus like, groceries are really expensive these days. Zyns are like $5 for 15. That’s two weeks of breakfast. Two weeks of nut milk lattes. And they help me stay focused too. They’re also just much better for you than walnuts and cigarettes if you don’t count the soreness in your gums. I need to have them stored away because winter is long and I can’t risk being a fiend asking for someone’s vape in the next tree over.”
However, some of Nutz’s friends, including Akorn Like The Band, have expressed concerns with his Zyn usage.
“I mean, it’s concerning but also it’s the sort of thing that has also become one of my problems. I can’t bum smokes anymore because he stopped ripping darts and started putting those pouches in,” grumbled Like The Band. “Whatever happened to doing dip like a real squirrel? Plus, Zyns are so not punk. They’re for finance bros. He’s basically part of the bourgeoise now. Next thing you know he’ll be wearing one of those little vests and telling me to buy cryptocurrency. What are we investing for? Our lifespan is like two years.”
However, Zyn’s marketing director, Chad Samuelson, is pleased with its new demographic.
“We’re excited to start this next chapter for Zyn, with our little furry friends and woodland creatures,” said Samuelson. “We’ve actually been marketing to squirrels specifically, trying to target them given their cheek capacity does allow for more Zyns than the average user. Plus they rip through college campus trash cans like crazy so we figured they would have a taste for them. We plan to roll out more squirrel-friendly flavors including Maple and Acorn in the coming months. Nutz said it! Zyns are in!”
At press time, Nutz was seen telling his friends that swallowing a Zyn pouch is not that bad for you when compared to chewing tobacco.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
