Four Other Empires That Collapsed Because a Washed-up Real Estate Developer Was Desperate for Attention

It’s obvious that we are living in fraught times for our beloved Republic. Now is a perfect opportunity for us to look to comparable moments in human history, not for a solution, but for commiseration, because let’s face it: we completely fucked the dog last November. If you want to strategize and think up ways to dig us out of this self-inflicted hole, have at it. In the meantime, we’re going to look at similar empires whose demises were brought about by some two-bit crook who just had to have people looking at him.

The Roman Empire

Did you know the beginning of the end for the Roman Empire is widely attributed to the shortcomings of former landlord Decimus III? Beginning his reign in 473 CE after his boring and largely unattended gladiatorial sideshow went bust, he realized he could become Emperor by convincing the commoners that Rome’s woes were because of immigration. We’ll spare you the details on how that ended, but it wasn’t great.

The Mongol Empire

Meet Arban Khan, who made his living renting out his father’s land to farmers and shorting contractors before stumbling into leadership in 1365. With the Black Plague’s onset, Khan eschewed conventional prevention tactics like not touching other people’s weeping sores and maintaining safe distances from rotting corpses lining the streets. Instead, he claimed the disease had somehow been conjured into existence by his political rivals, and encouraged his supporters to attend rallies on his behalf. Whoops!

The Ottoman Empire

Sultan Murat III, whose bankrupting of several horse-racing hippodromes in the early 20th century should have been a red flag that he had no business presiding over millions of people during World War I, foolishly imposed tariffs on all goods imported from other countries and claimed the “revenue” from this tax levied on his own people as some sort of victory for his administration. This severely hindered production of both food and materiel needed for the war effort, which ultimately resulted in his empire’s dissolution shortly after the cessation of arms in 1918.

The Akkadian Empire

Former building manager Uktannu, who came into power around 2160 BCE, sowed discord among his people by claiming a previous election he had lost was due to rigged stone tablets, which he falsely said had been corrupted by his enemies. This culminated in a revolt by his followers on the City of Akkad, who ultimately just stood around and raided the government’s food stores. Uktannu was “punished” for this transgression with another term in office, and when drought hit their lands, the depleted reserves caused massive displacement.

This may not be a dynamic call to action, but hopefully it made you feel a little better knowing our country’s current situation is just the latest in an endless line of governments that failed in the most embarrassing ways possible. Maybe when the next form of democratic rule rises from the ashes of whatever we become, our descendants will be able to learn the lessons that we refused to!