Songwriting can be a beautiful, if frustrating, process. The undertaking of perfectly evoking a universal human emotion or experience is a creative Everest, but as many songwriters will attest, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences for a true artist.
Take the runaway hit “Blister in the Sun” by Violent Femmes. It can be difficult to distill the essence of the experience of jerking yourself off, but the band was committed to perfection and wouldn’t stop until they had the exact right language. Here are some euphamisms for jerking off they rejected along the way.
Celebrating Palm Sunday
As everyone knows, “Celebrating Palm Sunday” was coined by the lesser-known faction of Catholic priests who actually abstain. The band considered throwing them a shout-out for not being abusers, but considered whether they would alienate other religions.
Beef strokenoff
This phrase was, of course, popularized by chefs at Le Cordon Bleu. The band worried it would distance them from their less fancy fan base.
Beating your meat
This is a symptom of the American male psyche and the need to make everything violent. Despite the fact that they make jokes about not wanting other people to hurt their penis, men seem to want to hurt themselves. The band did not consider this one for long.
Gone Daddy Gone
This was deemed a better fit for the song “Gone Daddy Gone.”
Choking the chicken
This was popularized by rural farmers who had no other references…on hand. The band was considering going vegan at the time and didn’t want to encourage animal cruelty.
Strangling the snake
The male mind is simple when you figure it out. This is obviously an escalation of violence from “choking the chicken.” But the Violent Femmes, though violent, are still femmes and they felt it was steering a bit too stereotypically male with this one.
Murdering miscellaneous animals
Though the obvious logical conclusion of the aggression towards animals category of male masturbation euphemisms, the band surprisingly considered this one for a while until they ran into rhyming issues.
One armed third leg workout
A niche description that originated in the southern region of the Jersey Shore, the band ultimately decided it was a bit of a mouthful.
We hope you’ve enjoyed this journey through jerking as much as we have, and that it will color your masturbatory experiences both with and without Violent Femmes playing in the background.
