ATLANTA, Ga. — Local punk Chester “Scuzz” Martin is reportedly getting his life together after abandoning street drugs in favor of a cocktail of legal-but-questionable supplements available exclusively at gas station counters, confirmed sources.
“I have a cousin in Raleigh who got sober after having kids and he snorts kratom like 20 times a day. I think he’s like an investment banker or something,” said Martin, while slamming back a lukewarm bottle of Mega Power Horny Goat Weed Energy Shot. “You can’t overdose on something that’s FDA-adjacent. The guy at Shell told me this stuff is made in a lab. That’s, like, science. Or medicine. One of those. People say I’m selling out, but self-improvement is punk as hell. Do you know how many lives were saved because I switched from street speed to a case of Speedee Maxx Rhino 8000? At least one. Mine. Probably.”
Not everyone is thrilled with Martin’s decision, which has taken a toll on the local drug economy.
“This has been brutal for my business,” said his former dealer Dane Malloy. “Scuzz was my best customer. He single-handedly paid for my trip to Myrtle Beach last summer. Now instead of passing out on my kitchen floor after shooting up in my apartment, he calls me at 3:00 a.m. to explain how Siberian ginseng was used by Russian cosmonauts to fight space depression. Meanwhile, he’s out here buying boner pills from a Chevron kiosk. As an upstanding citizen and business owner, I respect sobriety, but I don’t respect betrayal. I thought he would die before he left me to go to Hemp Lucid Vape Juice.”
Experts remain divided on whether Martin’s new lifestyle counts as progress.
“It’s certainly an improvement over mountains of cocaine, but let’s not pretend chugging ‘focus enhancers’ with Monster Energy drinks is a wellness plan,” said Tracy Lindon, a friend of Scuzz’s sister who happens to be a freshman psychology student. “When your morning routine involves snorting powdered yohimbe bark and chasing it with four caffeine capsules, you haven’t healed, you’ve just rebranded. At some point, your heart and kidneys are going to unionize and walk off the job. There are only so many Phrenze pills and 5-Hour Energy drinks your body can handle in a given week and that number is zero.”
At press time, Martin was spotted in the parking lot of a QuikTrip, shaking down a trucker for loose change to buy more “quantum brain booster chews.”
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
