Are you in need of profile photos for Instagram or Hinge? Don’t want to hire a photographer because the boys might think you’re “gay” or something? Try starting a band!
Starting a band is super easy! All you need to do is find two to four other like-minded dudes with entrenched homophobia and learn to play bass. Once those are ready, it’s time for the photoshoot! In terms of location, any foreclosed building, ideally a Church or fire-damaged Wendy’s, will do. The loading dock of Sam’s Club is a personal favorite. Thankfully, the United States is a failed theocratic oligarchy, so dilapidated infrastructure for band photoshoots is plentiful.
Who takes the photos? As the bass player, it’s your responsibility to get your mom to take the photos for free, since it’s likely everyone in the band works at a toll booth.
Are you a non-man feeling left out? You can join in the fun by looking at the photos (wow!) on Instagram (zoinks!)!
The Beatles were the first men to successfully start a band as a way to get nice photos of themselves. The Fab Four did such a good job that they landed a spot on the Ed Sullivan show in 1964. Ed Sullivan and his producers would not allow four disgusting English river peasants near their expensive cameras if they weren’t in a band. The best part is that musical talent is completely optional; for example, just look at The Beatles.
Since the first caveman used a severed pterodactyl penis to draw a portrait of himself on the slimy limestone walls of a damp cave, men have been obsessed with our own image. We built stone statues in our likeness, and baroque tapestries and paintings immortalizing our great deeds. Hell, we even let Howard Stern star in his own biopic for fucks sake!
But it wasn’t until the band photo shoot that stigma-free straight male vanity was truly democratized. If, for some reason, you can’t find other men to start a band with, you can always put on sunglasses and take a selfie in your truck. And say, why not drive that truck straight into the ocean?