ARLINGTON, Va. — Local husband and father of three Brad Devins recently rediscovered a burned copy of Incubus’ 2001 album “Morning View” resulting in the most boring midlife crisis in recorded history, confirmed sources.
“I don’t know why I hadn’t listened to them in so long, I loved that band ever since my roommate in college burned their CD for me,” said Devins while rummaging through his basement to find his Boss Phaser pedal. “Just finding that CD has changed everything, as soon as I heard that opening bass line, I felt a renewed sense of life. I think I’m even going to try dreadlocks, as long as my job’s cool with that. I don’t know how the door of my mind got closed so tight, but my friend Colin said that Whole Foods sells an organic essential oil that’s kinda like Molly, so I think it’s time I took a trip in the comfort of my 3,700-square-foot house, and let Brandon and the boys show me the way.”
While Devins has been enjoying his nostalgia trip, his daughter has been completely embarrassed by her father’s behavior.
“Ugh, this is worse than when he found a pair of JNCOs in our basement, like a hundred times worse,” said daughter Heather Devins while trying to drown out the sound of singer Brandon Boyd shouting “fuck me in my own way” repeatedly. “It really became unbearable yesterday when he cornered some of my friends and started playing ‘Wish You Were Here’ on guitar after suggesting they spend some time just living under the stars on such a beautiful evening. Then he asked us if we wanted to go to the planetarium to see a light show. He’s the worst.”
Psychologist Anne Jenkins has seen the behavior before but feels the word “crisis” might be a little strong.
“Its really all the Napster generation has and honestly, it’s just a phase,” said Dr. Jenkins while cracking a shit eating grin. “There’s way worse disorders that nostalgia can bring on. Last week I had a 47-year-old who couldn’t stop telling his coworkers he was going to ‘break their fucking face tonight’ before moshing into their cubicles. The Incubus situation does take time, but usually wears out when the individual realizes they are not a 21-year-old female at a state university or that one puff of weed will just make them sleepy and want to go to bed at 6:00pm.”
At press time, Devin’s wife was close to orgasming to a picture of Boyd her husband hung up in the bedroom.