NEW YORK CITY — Local woman Ashleigh Deacon officially replaced her morning positive affirmations with the entirety of Fiona Apple’s 1997 MTV Video Music Awards “this world is bullshit” speech, confirmed sources.
“I used to buy into the whole ‘manifest abundance’ thing and would start every morning with an organic smoothie and a cold splash of water while saying inspirational quotes and motivational phrases into my bathroom mirror,” the 38-year-old administrative project manager said. “It was this ‘fake it ’til you make it’ thing. I was trying to feel like a winner, someone who could conquer anything this world threw at me. But after rewatching the 1997 VMAs as I do once a month, I was inspired by Fiona’s speech. This world is bullshit, and it’s not worth conquering. So I repeat it every morning in the mirror, during traffic, and when trying to make small talk with colleagues at work until it finally sinks in.”
Neighbors have noticed a marked change in Deacon’s demeanor, and are grateful for the change of tone.
“Honestly, it’s been a nice change of pace, we share a bathroom wall and I can hear her every goddamn morning. You could tell she was on the verge of a breakdown,” said Cassandra Bolvin, Deacon’s long-time next door neighbor. “Occasionally, she’d half-ass mumble a brilliant Maya Angelou quote, and it seemed borderline disrespectful. What’s fascinating is it turns out that Apple also referenced the brilliant words of Maya Angelou in the infamous ’97 speech specifically. I think in order to tap into her own power and understand anyone’s work on a deeper level, Ashleigh just really needed to rediscover that this world is poppycock.”
Scientists have confirmed that vocally admitting reality is bullshit to yourself can help a person come to terms with the absurdity of human consciousness.
“Our brains develop neurological pathways at a very early age, creating survival techniques and coping mechanisms that may no longer serve us as adults,” said Dr. Phoenix Bailey of NYU’s Center for Neurological Study. “This individual was clearly attempting to rewire her own brain with positive affirmations, which only reinforced the self-abnegating tendencies that she learned in her childhood. Instead, she is now creating healthier, stronger neural pathways that better map the extreme reality that this world is nonsense. Though I must say, the section in which Ashleigh thanks music producer Andrew Slater every morning feels off.”
At press time, Deacon stated that she’s fully absorbed the information that “this world is bullshit” and plans to quote Apple’s sophomore album title “When the Pawn…”