PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jason Ulbrych was arrested after being accused of selling burned CDs out of his locker full of MP3s he downloaded off of Limewire while he was a teenager, ending a decades long manhunt, confirmed sources.
“Ulbrych was selling copyrighted material,” said FBI agent Norm Smith-Johnson. “We believe in upholding the law and punishing serious crimes. It took us 25 years but our team of over three dozen agents have finally tracked down the culprit who sold the burned CD that is titled with black sharpie ‘Jason’s Cool Beatz.’ We cannot have dangerous criminals selling unregulated media that contains ‘The Hampster Dance Song’ and Nelly’s ‘Hot In Herre.’ He is facing up to 20 years imprisonment for his crimes.”
Ulbrych is in custody and claims that he barely remembers selling that CD back when he was young but admits that he did the crime.
“It was something that pretty much everyone did at school,” said Ulbrych. “We heard the warnings that it was wrong and we were taking money from starving artists like Metallica and Destiny’s Child. I think I put that $5 I made towards a Linkin Park album. I will accept my punishment and hope to get out of prison soon with good behavior. I will miss seeing my lovely wife each day and I will never forgive myself for missing the birth of our daughter.”
The FBI executed the raid off of an anonymous tip who reportedly is the person Ulbrych sold the CD in question to.
“I was cruising the FBI tip site to look up serial killers and other dangerous criminals for my true crime podcast when I saw a familiar description in their Most Wanted List,” said Natalie Suzuki. “Our school was mentioned and the CD seller matched the description of that guy I was in social studies class with. I saw they were offering a $10,000 reward so I called it in. I believe in supporting artists. That’s why I always listen to my music directly from YouTube without paying for a premium service.”
At press time, Suzuki has yet to be paid the reward money and the FBI is denying they ever offered a bounty on their website despite the offer still being listed.