HOUSTON — Local woman Charlotte Kissinger is reportedly only dating boyfriend Matt Bower for the truest contents of his character, sources speculated.
“I can’t help but worry Matt is being used,” said Bower’s childhood best friend Jack Bucknell. “Charlotte loves him and all, but sometimes it seems like she’s only dating him for his wit, wisdom, goodness of heart, and quality of mind. Like she has some sort of kindness fetish. You know, Matt also has abs and money. He’s pretty good at tennis. He had on some pretty cool slides yesterday, and it was like she didn’t even notice.”
Bower’s father reported concerns for his son’s stability in the relationship.
“Sure, Charlotte loves him now, but what happens when a man gets a little older?” said Henry Bower. “I’ve seen it happen before. How do we know she’s not gonna just up and leave him for someone who’s more honest, more kind? More willing to give her the love that she deserves? Seems a little dicey to me. If I know my son, I know there is a lot more to him than that. For instance, he’s tall, never had a cavity, and once hit three home runs in a single game in his amateur baseball league.”
Princeton Sociology professor Mark Davis confirmed the tendency for women to choose partners based on such traits is a heavily-studied phenomenon.
“It’s a real conundrum,” said Davis. “While men tend to choose mates based on things like hair color, weight, and an internal evaluating system which scientists call ‘ugly or not ugly,’ women choose mates based on whether or not they like the guy as a person. Huh? I think I speak for all scientists when I say: we don’t really get it. We’ve theorized that maybe the female species has her own internal evaluating system, like ‘ugly not ugly,’ but for souls and depth of character. But that’s just a guess. At the end of the day, this may go down as one of the most widely confusing phenomena in science, right alongside my wife regaining interest in sex with me after I stopped yelling at waitstaff.”
At press time, Kissinger was seen refusing to put aside her all-loving and patient gaze as Bower attempted to show her his layup.