Well, shit. Your favorite band is coming to Sturgis next week, and you’re not about to let Big Brother keep you from attending just because you smashed a bottle of Miller High Life over the head of that dipshit home plate umpire at your son’s little league game. Honestly, that fucker had a strike zone the size of the Northwest Territories, and you did the entire town a favor by sending him to the hospital. Too bad the judge didn’t agree, and now you’re stuck at home with this goddamn ankle monitor. Lucky for you, we’re here to help. Here are five ways you can deactivate it so you can attend next week’s Five Finger Death Punch show.
Cut It Off
This is the most obvious solution. While it’s likely it will trigger some sort of alarm down at the station, you should have enough time to get to the venue and lose yourself in the crowd for the duration of the show. They’ll most certainly catch you on your way out, but by then you’ll have caught the whole performance, so worry about that later!
Befriend Local Police Officers
Everyone knows you back the blue, which you’ve proudly displayed with that flag on the back of your souped-up Ford F-150 (that is, when you’ve been allowed to drive). Anyway, it’s a 100% guarantee that there will be a heavy law enforcement presence at the show, so get to know the local cops. Before you know it, you’ll be singing along to “Wash It All Away” with half the local precinct while the alarm from your monitor goes unnoticed.
Hack It With Computers
This is a shot in the dark, but can’t you do anything with computers these days? Your kid’s always chatting it up with strangers on that fucking thing, so see if he can hack into it like Sandra Bullock in “The Net.” You’ll have to spend time with him to do this, which is a drag, but keep your eyes on the prize.
Kick Your Coffee Table Really Hard
Fuck man, we don’t know. It’s not like it’s indestructible, right? Aim for the monitor’s red light and make like you’re Adam Vinatieri. Just ignore the agonizing pain shooting up your leg and keep going until that light goes out. You’ll be starting unnecessary fights with people in the moshpit in no time!
Cut Off Your Foot
Clearly this is the most drastic option, but honestly, is a two-footed life really worth living if you haven’t seen FFDP perform their cover of “Blue on Black” live? That’s what we thought. Grab that sabre saw out of the garage and find something to bite down on. Ivan Moody awaits!