BALTIMORE — A recent study out of Johns Hopkins confirms there’s absolutely nothing cool about drugs, except for all the cool stuff you’ll see, hear, and feel.
“Look, we all know drugs are great. I mean, some drugs are so great, they’ll become all you can think about,” remarked biochemical researcher Sarah Redman, on her team’s recent findings. “It’s important to remember, however, that while many drugs enhance your life in almost every conceivable way, they are not in fact happenin’. And sure, the sensations and hallucinations some drugs offer are so mind-blowing, they’ll make you believe in God. But let there be no mistake, there is absolutely nothing cool about them, even though the visual, auditory, and sensory effects of them are what make life worth living.
Some drug users say the study’s findings have left them questioning their identity.
“Drugs were part of the reason I considered myself a rad dude,” said crestfallen Youngstown, Ohio resident Steven McBride. “I mean, that’s why we all took that first hit, right? We saw our favorite musician practically smoking themselves into a coma in a music video, and all we wanted to do was be as hip as them. I guess the thing that makes me most confused about the study is that if being high is so cool, wouldn’t that make drugs cool? I mean, I’m not a researcher, but I’d maybe try researching why that is. But it’s not all bad though. Now that drugs aren’t fashionable anymore, I’ve been jumping my old BMX bike off some sick dirt ramps. Which is how I used to be cool back in middle school—right before I started doing drugs.”
Others find themselves vindicated by the study.
“Drugs suck,” quipped straight edge punk Darren Adams. “Part of me is glad drugs aren’t trendy anymore because people will live better lives. But the other part of me is psyched, because I’m now pretty much the coolest possible person. I go to hardcore shows, wear black, and punch fascists—without an ounce of drugs in my system. What’s cooler than that? Definitely not drugs. I’ll admit though, before I became straight edge, I would take delirants with my cousins and ask The Hatman to reveal the future. Which I’ll admit was pretty cool. But not the drugs themselves.”
The study went on to conclude that staying hydrated, eating veggies, exercising, and getting a good night’s rest are actually some of the coolest things you can do.