SAN DIEGO — Metalhead and total poser Greg Borneck had patches for bands that you recognized on his battle vest when you saw him in the crowd at an Exhumed show, disgusted sources report.
“Yeah man, I had a lot of fun putting this together,” Borneck said. “I grew up a huge Sepultura fan, so of course I had to put a ‘Beneath the Remains’ patch on there. I also figured I couldn’t go wrong with a Kreator ‘Pleasure to Kill’ backpatch, because that album is an absolute thrash masterpiece. I’ve also got a few death metal band patches on here, like Morbid Angel and Deicide. You know, just really classic stuff that any metalhead can get behind. I just love whipping this bad boy out to go to a show. It is usually quite the conversation starter, not to mention a scowl starter for some reason.”
You reacted to Borneck’s presence with complete derision.
“Wow, what a sick vest,” you scoffed sarcastically while rolling your eyes. “Oh cool, this guy is into Carcass and Possessed. That reeealllly makes him stand out here! Everybody knows a good battle vest has to be composed of completely illegible patches for bands that nobody but the owner recognizes. That’s what makes them good. I sometimes don’t recall the bands on my own vest. This guy must be a total poser if he thinks he can be accepted in this community with these band patches that people recognize. I mean, what is he thinking? He actually put time and effort into that thing?”
Sociologist Mary Clausowitz weighed in on the situation.
“People tend to think of metal music as being an inclusive community,” Clausowitz opined. “Sadly, that can’t be further from the truth. Going to a metal show can be extremely intimidating and unwelcoming for many attendees. If you’re not sporting merch that is deemed acceptable by other concertgoers, you risk being mocked mercilessly behind your back. In that sense, it’s basically an adult version of a high school cafeteria. I haven’t even mentioned learning about proper mosh ettiquete. Honestly, these shows are a minefield. I’m so happy I stopped going to them for my field studies. Now I just observe metal culture through Reddit, which is ten times worse.”
At press time, you mocked Borneck more for having an Exhumed patch on his vest while going to see them live.