PORTLAND, Maine — Cardiac surgeon and punk rocker Dr. David “Cutter” Peters mistakenly left a pack of cigarettes inside patient Dwight Holcomb during a heart transplant, unsurprised sources reported.
“Everyone just needs to calm down,” Peters said, jittering uncontrollably. “One cigarette, or in Dwight’s case, 20, won’t kill ‘em. Tobacco is plant-based. It’s all-natural. Plus, it’s a soft pack, so real easy on the innards. He’ll pull through. I’m the real victim here! I lost my job, my medical license, and a full pack! Dwight should be thanking me, not suing me. I gave him a new heart and a nic fix! Speaking of, I’m tweaking the fuck out, man! I need a ciggie or I’m gonna have to reopen this ungrateful bastard and steal back my smokes!”
Sheryl Bee, the attorney representing Holcomb, explained how and when her client realized something was amiss.
“During recovery, Mr. Holcomb noticed a strong, lingering menthol odor coming from his torso,” Bee said. “He had the shakes, was cool and minty to the touch, and oh yeah, a large rectangular box was protruding from his sternum like the Chestburster in Alien. I mean, you could literally read ‘Alive with Pleasure!’ through his skin. A post-op X-ray confirmed there was in fact a pack of Newports floating around inside Mr. Holcomb, who has since been advised to stay away from open flames and will remain on bedrest until we see Dr. Peters’s punk ass in court.”
Dr. Rick Salisbury, a medical professional hired as a neutral party in the investigation, said the offenses go much deeper than cigarettes.
“Look, items are left inside surgery patients all the time,” Salisbury said. “But cigarettes are a first. Especially menthols. And that’s not even the worst of it. Camera footage showed Dr. Peters made the incision with a switchblade, cauterized the cut with a Zippo, and then dressed the surgical wound with a Gauze patch; not the bandage, but the seminal Japanese hardcore band Gauze. If that wasn’t enough, Dr. Peters used model glue as anesthesia and a bedpan as his ashtray. If Dr. Peters ever steps foot inside a hospital again, it’ll be to steal pharmaceuticals, and not operate on another patient.”
At press time, further investigation revealed Dr. Peters was never a licensed surgeon or even a doctor; he just really liked slicing people open.