OMAHA, Neb. — Recent budget cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration by the Trump Administration has rendered it unable to adequately warn Midwest towns of incoming emo bands, local government officials have confirmed.
“What are they thinking? They left us with like two people to monitor the entire Midwest’s early warning system for emo bands. This is the hotbed of third wave emo bands blowing through dive bars, and these towns are being left completely wide open to people forced to think about calling their high school exes,” said NOAA scientist Walter Hodgekins. “Now I’m working 12 hours a day trying to monitor developing emo bands across five states. Have any of those DOGE goons ever seen a county ravaged by six American Football knockoffs? People are going to die inside!”
DOGE staffers were adamant the cuts were necessary.
“I was brought in to find fraud and abuse, but more mostly to gut agencies this administration doesn’t give a shit about. We looked into it, and personally I don’t think the NOAA needs 20 people to monitor emo band tour dates and tour van movements. Not to mention how much it costs to maintain the warning sirens,” said DOGE employee Gavin Johnson. “Emo bands are going to come through those states regardless! Just look outside if you want to know if Brand New is coming towards you. The taxpayers should be grateful, because we single-handedly saved them $5,000 by cutting staff.”
Amateur emo band chasers were worried the cuts would have widespread ramifications.
“I chase bands for fun and to educate the public, but now it feels like my peers and I are the last line of defense between overly confessional misanthropes and unsuspecting small towns. We don’t have the same reach as NOAA’s warning system. This is a slippery slope to eliminating text alerts for solo acoustic tours. This is pure negligence,” said Macus Keller. “Rumor has it Elon’s goons are burying reports about the detrimental impact of shitty vocals and arpeggios in the heartland. And you can be sure as hell FEMA won’t lift a finger to help anyone at a basement show after reminiscing about their last breakup.”
As of press time, DOGE announced cuts to the NOAA office in Florida, leaving residents open to not receive communication about impending EDM festivals.