PORTLAND, Ore. — A group of local potheads went door to door singing stoner metal carols to celebrate 4/20, confirmed sources peering outside their blinds.
“We do all the holiday classics, including Kyuss, Sleep, and a song from my band’s new demo,” said caroler Kyle Donovan while flipping to the next page of his song book. “All of our neighbors were clearly elated to see us. That is, the few that actually opened their doors after five straight minutes of ringing their bells and tapping on their windows. If they didn’t answer after that, we had no choice but to break in through the kitchen window. The holiday cheer must be spread one way or another. We did about 90 minutes per house which, now that I think about it, is probably not nearly enough time. Jeez, I hope no one felt like they were shortchanged when we were finished.”
Neighbors were admittedly more in the holiday spirit after a visit from the carolers.
“After their rendition of Bongzilla on my porch, I couldn’t wait to do my annual holiday tradition of smoking a joint, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight from the box, and taking a three-hour nap in the middle of the day,” said Arthur Dwellers. “Hell, the performance even gave me the energy to put up my 4/20 tree this year. I’ll decorate it and put up the lights tomorrow. I’m wiped from the long day. Until then I’m going to watch the 24 hours of ‘Dazed and Confused’ marathon that TBS does every year.”
Experts warned that the caroling phenomenon isn’t exclusive to the marijuana-based holidays.
“Christmas and 4/20 are not the only national days of celebration you’ll see people go door to door belting out holiday-relevant tunes,” said music historian Kate Manzardo. “The Halloween carolers go around singing goth classics like Bauhaus and Sisters of Mercy. The St. Patrick’s Day carolers sing a steady dose of Dropkick Murphys while absolutely shitfaced. And April Fool’s Day brings out carolers singing Weird Al and Tenacious D to their neighbors. Sure, people are fed up with having to deal with complete strangers on their stoops every holiday, but it’s the only way people remember when it’s Arbor Day or Thanksgiving.”
At press time, a rival group of 4/20 carolers were seen going door to door singing Phish and Grateful Dead songs to neighbors.