LOCKPORT, N.Y. — Local 35-year-old man Richard Colburn recently came to the stark realization that he will never again experience joy like he did watching the Weird Al “Dare to be Stupid” music video on “Al TV” for the first time, depressed sources report.
“I thought being a father, having a beautiful wife, and even having my picture taken in the front seat of Grave Digger would bring me even just a tiny morsel of the same joy I experienced watching Weird Al put his head in a microwave to give himself a tan, but it’s all been futile,” Colburn explained. “I suppose it could be worse. At least I know when my happiness peaked, unlike 90% of the other people my age I know who seem to have never enjoyed anything ever at all, not even Weird Al inexplicably wearing pool goggles or a group of adults squeezing Charmin around a table or anything. Poor saps.”
Colburn’s wife claims to have spent years of their marriage doing whatever she can to help her husband cope with his recent revelation.
“When Rich told me, I was a bit thrown off. I never knew the Eat It guy brought him so much delight,” Jessica Colburn explained while wearing a yellow jumpsuit. “Since then, I’ve tried to do things like dress like they do in that video and I even made a little stop-motion reenactment of our first date for our 10 year anniversary. Nothing works. Not even that time I slowly emerged from a giant vat of mashed potatoes on his birthday one year and said ‘mashed potatoes can be your friend.’”
Mental health professionals say many Millennial patients share similar stories to that of Colburn.
“The advent of music television in the 1980s, and its continuation into the 1990s, exposed many children to a wide range of scarring content,” Dr. Brenda Tilburg stated. “My patients have made references to the Primus ‘Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver’ music video as the point they were first overcome with the prospect of their own mortality. Needless to say, MTV was the death knell for the potential of any sort of happiness for the Millennial generation.”
At press time, Jessica Colburn rented “Transformers: the Movie” for her husband in an attempt to expose him to a way to enjoy “Dare to Be Stupid” in another context.