CLEVELAND, Ohio — Punk stalwart Dave “Mel-Mel” Ryans made the switch from the popular malt liquor Steel Reserve, sometimes known as 211, to infamous liqueur brand 99 Bananas after doctors revealed a startling potassium deficiency, confirmed head-tilting sources.
“The doctors told me my Vitamin P or whatever was really low, but the night before I had done a bunch of whip-its at a house party show and I think nitrous lowers your potassium or something. My homie Scott was telling me something like that I think,” said Ryans. “But anyways, what was I talking about again? Oh yea, nitrous, wait, no, the potassium thing. I started drinking those 99 Bananas from the corner store because I know fruit has a ton of vitamins, especially liquid fruit. Half a bottle a day should get my levels back on track.”
Friends of Ryans expressed excitement for their newfound passion for self-care.
“Mel-Mel’s signature combo is Steel Reserve and Camel Wides, and while it’s a little bittersweet to see that go, I am very excited to see them embrace healthier choices,” remarked friend Daffney Fallwell, while drinking diet Dr. Pepper. “I think it was the right choice and it influenced me to pursue my own forms of self-care. For example, I just blocked my boss’ number and stopped showing up to work, which has done amazing things for my mental health. Either way, I’m happy for Mel-Mel, even though he smells like a banana smoked a cigarette.”
Primary care physician Dr. Kenneth Knudd found himself amazed by Ryans’ ability to adapt their immune system to extreme circumstances.
“Quite frankly, I would go as far as to classify this as a medical anomaly,” Dr. Knudd stated. “The amount of alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, THC, and occasional LSD and cocaine in the patient’s system is enough to lead to serious consequences. But there has been no long-term damage, at least for now. Incredible. However, Dave should really understand that 99 Bananas is a liqueur with artificial flavoring, and contains no actual potassium content. My advice would be to maybe eat an actual banana and to drink a glass of water every few days.”
At press time, Ryans made the decision to switch from Camel Filters to Camel Crush Menthol, after a dentist visit inspired them to have better breath.