CHARLESTON, S.C. — Local gym rat and self-proclaimed doomsday prepper Brock Crocker is really hoping that the next new world order will be rowing-centric, multiple sources confirmed.
“They laugh at me now, but when the world collapses, I’ll be ready, so long as it requires perfect catch, drive, finish, and recovery form,” said Crocker while doing a rowing motion in the air. “By my calculations, the global elite will force us into a worldwide flood by 2028. I don’t want to pay 50 bucks a month for a gym membership for that long though, so I bought a hummer and leave it running in my driveway to see if I can get that down to 2027. In the future, you’ll all be thankful that I can simulate rowing down a calm river for 45 consecutive minutes.”
Crocker’s personal trainer Lachlan Meyer weighed in on his apocalyptic predictions.
“I was totally on board with him using his worries about the world as an excuse to get in shape, but he lost me when he insisted I replace the rowing machine handles with guns so he could ‘get used to the grip,’” said Meyer, hanging two fully loaded glocks back up on the handle rack. “I just hope he comes to his senses and starts using the rowing machine simply as a form of masochism like the rest of us. He’s easily the second weirdest person I’ve ever trained, right behind RFK Jr., who leaned heavily on the elliptical machine because he was hoping for a cardio-based new order.”
Crocker’s favorite conspiracy theorist Lee Roberts from popular podcast “RowPODcalypse” got wind of the questionable gym routine.
“Rowing is going to have a lot of valid uses when civilization as we know it crumbles,” said Roberts. “Once the only valid form of currency in our post-apocalyptic world is strokes per minute, and the true measure of power and status becomes 1000m split time, you’ll all wish you had listened. Brock is a dutiful boy and I’m thankful that he’s spreading the message. At least he’s not using a treadmill. In the future, there just won’t be enough running room from all of our underground bunkers.”
At press time, Crocker’s wife was seen doing her own apocalypse prep by finally calling the number of that divorce lawyer she found.