RICHMOND, Va. — A small group of goths squatting at a local residence were mistaken for Victorian ghosts, confirmed police sources.
“It was kind of an ideal situation,” alleged squatter Edgar “Obsidian” Wright reported. “We could never afford the rents in the area, and this house was pure goth aesthetic: built in 1880 with cathedral windows and ceilings, plenty of local wildlife to support our burgeoning taxidermy business, and free antiques. All we had to do was climb the trellis out back to get in through the attic window and periodically make droning ghoul sounds, which we do anyway. And bonus that we were able to live out our lifelong dreams of haunting a family of four.”
Homeowner Greg Frankel said the only signs of life he encountered in over four years were some half-eaten Morningstar Farms patties and a bat-sized cardboard coffin.
“Honestly, every piece of evidence we encountered pointed to specters,” said Frankel. “Often there were eerie moanings coming from the attic, which we later learned was the music of Joy Division, as well as the sounds of doors opening and closing seemingly on their own. Even on the rare occasions we caught sight of them, they always appeared and disappeared silently, transparently pale and dressed in authentic Victorian clothing. We thought, hey, this house is old. Maybe the family who lived here had some unfinished business on earth, you know? I never would have imagined that that business was posing dead mice in tea party tableaus in my attic. Not to mention the smell of formaldehyde only supported our ghost theory further.”
Experts noted that these types of incidents occur fairly frequently.
“Goth squatting is more common than you might think,” stated Victorian Literature Professor Renee Goulding. “Unlike regular squatting, which is done out of necessity, goth squatting is done primarily out of a flair for the dramatic—not to mention the increased likelihood of getting away with it. Think about it: almost every major work of gothic literature features some sort of recluse hidden away in a forbidden corridor. Who, then, of modern goths could resist the allure of ‘doing a Rochester’ or ‘Havishaming out’ to use their colloquial phrases for the act? It’s altogether too appealing.”
At press time, the actual Victorian ghosts that had been living in the attic for decades were reportedly scared off by the presence of the goths.