WASHINGTON — President Trump announced the creation of the new Federal Institute for Regulating Ethnonormality (FIRE) agency that would complement ICE by importing white foreigners to the USA, sources confirmed.
“Today I’m announcing a tremendous new FIRE agency that will bring the very best whites from around the world to help make America great again. The first plane will soon arrive with my very good friend Conor McGregor, Herman Goebbels’ grandson, and the wonderful Roman Polanski,” said President Trump, signing an executive order. “We’re also working very hard to get Ivan Drago, who was treated very unfairly in ‘Rocky 4’ after he did us all a favor by taking care of a very nasty man, Apollo Creed. Many people are saying Creed only died because he was an unqualified DEI hire, but Rocky refused to apologize and unfairly blamed it on Russia. Witch hunt!”
Department of Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem assured Americans that the new immigration policy would be conducted with the most stringent, old-school racist rigor.
“Our FIRE agents are already hard at work identifying and importing the very best white candidates from robust talent pools of nationalist soccer hooligans, foreign conservative pundits, and Andrew Tate’s relatives,” said Noem, holding up a color swatch to a potential candidate’s photo. “Rest assured, we are only getting the proudest, whitest candidates to import and place in highly regarded government positions. In fact, President Trump has specifically instructed us to make sure none of those dirty Italians sneak in with the rest of the qualified whites.”
Afrikaner Jan de Groot was surprised that he was chosen to be imported to the USA from his native South Africa after meeting the FIRE agency’s qualifications.
“I woke up with a mean meth hangover after spending all night vandalizing Nelson Mandela murals so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up in Washington D.C. with a passport and a job!” said de Groot. “It’s nice to finally see a President willing to correct historic wrongs after I had to suffer thirty hard years of desegregation. Plus some creepy cunt wearing too much makeup called J.D. set me up with an office, turns out I’m the most qualified candidate to oversee America’s entire nuclear arsenal. Pretty lekker deal, mate!”
At press time, the ICE and FIRE agencies were setting up a trade that would send thousands of Mexican healthcare workers to Argentina in exchange for any living Nazis that fled there after World War II.