MANITOWOC, Wis. — Brooding songwriter Evan Stone’s dark, deep, and lonely creative process was seen mostly as an excuse to get day drunk on a Tuesday, sources who are going to have a hell of a hangover tomorrow confirmed.
“Crafting a song is a deep and complex process that explores your rawest emotions at their very core. That’s why I need to be absolutely blasted before I even consider putting pen to paper. It really strips away your filter,” explained Stone. “It’s especially important in the first draft stage. Remember what that one guy said: ‘write drunk, edit sober.’ I’m pretty sure it was Dr. Seuss. Or Roald Dahl. One of those.”
Rick Jacobson, bartender at The Greasy Moose where Stone was exercising his songwriting process, expressed doubt that any progress was actually being made.
“That guy’s been sitting in here for four hours and I think I’ve seen him write down two things in that entire time. Mostly he just stares into the middle distance with a profound look on his face and then orders another shot of Goldschlager,” commented Jacobson. “Not like I really care – people are allowed to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t make a mess in the bathroom. What bothers me is that I know he’s one of those assholes who is gonna say he’s light on cash and then try to tip me with a poem. Yeah, he has that look about him.”
Notable day drinker, Jawbreaker singer, and patron saint of all things deep, dark, lonely and creative, Blake Schwarzenbach, sympathized with Stone.
“I don’t necessarily wanna say that mindless alcoholism and creativity go hand-in-hand, but while I was writing ‘Dear You’ I started everyday in the studio with a case race against the guitar techs,” stated Schwarzenbach while taking his sweet goddamn time writing any new Jawbreaker material. “The bummer part is, you do actually have to bother to write something once you’ve gotten sloshed. Otherwise you’ve just wasted your time and probably more money than any song you could have crafted would ever even net you.”
At press time, Stone had scribbled the words “Breakup Song?” on his notepad before deciding to take a break to play the bar’s Golden Tee game for a little while.