LEXINGTON, Ky. — Self-proclaimed MAGA Christian Cullen Monroe took a moment to remind himself of his core values today with a quick glance at his “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” bracelet, sources confirmed.
“We live in a divided nation, and there are times when I lose sight of what it means to be a good MAGA-faithful Christian in today’s crazy world. But when I need a little clarity, all I have to do is look at my WWJDD bracelet and ask myself, ‘What would the man who firmly believed in the institution of slavery do?'” said Monroe, admiring his Confederate Flag Crucifix necklace. “I mean it can be hard to know how to treat all the immigrants, feminists, transgenders and DEI folks out there, but I just need to remind myself that moral guidance will come from the big man upstairs who is always looking over me: The President of the Confederacy.”
Megachurch preacher Harland Tillman was thrilled to hear that the bracelets he sold were making such an impact on his congregation at the Stonewall Community Church.
“With all the cancel culture and satanic liberal nonsense out there, it’s important to remember the source of our righteous values. Each bracelet contains five letters that deliver a reminder of a humble man who was ahead of his time, until he was unfairly crucified for his beliefs that were ultimately proven right in the eyes of history and the Lord,” said Tillman, passing out the gold-plated collection basket. “Now one of these fine WWJDD bracelets can be yours for any of my faithful congregation that donates $100 or more today to help us spread the teachings of the Master, the Worker, and the Holy States Rights.”
White House Spokesperson and former “America’s Next Top Militia” host Gunther Solomon announced that President Trump mandated that WWJDD bracelets would become standard attire for all government employees.
“The President has declared upon high that the WWJDD bracelets represent our nation’s traditional Christian values, and has decided to make a $400 million investment to outfit every civil servant in America,” said Solomon. “Elon Musk’s DOGE department has assured that they’ll be able to find that money by shuttering wasteful SNAP and Medicaid programs utilized by the nation’s underclass of freeloading poors.”
At press time, President Trump reportedly signed an executive order adding the Ten Commandments to every public school classroom, with a proposed Eleventh Commandment that stated, “Thou Shalt Not Forget the South Will Rise Again.”