SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at OpenAI agreed to honor Suchir Balaji, a former OpenAI researcher and whistleblower, by incorporating his complaints about copyright violations and unethical business practices into the next round of language learning models.
“In a way, I want to thank Suchir. I’d shake his hand, but honestly I’m just glad this whole problem has gone away,” shared OpenAI CEO Sam Altman from his flying yacht. “Feeding the collective text from Suchir’s miserable time here will make our models even stronger. We intend on using everything he wrote: every complaint, concern, flag raised and private message has been folded into our next update, for all variations of GPT. Prompts from users about ethical quandaries in the world of artificial intelligence will now generate stronger, more emotionally complex completions, all sapped from Balaji’s voice. Silver lining to everything, right? Gotta find the rainbow in the thunderstorm. My colleagues tell me that this will make our models more reflective, more self-aware. I’m told that’s a trait of humans, I wouldn’t really know. Truth be told, I just found the whole whistleblower thing annoying. A complete pain in my ass. But it’s all good, this will only help us in the long run. At least he’s gone, ya know? I was really stressing there for a minute! It’s also a way to honor his memory for… whatever he did here. Our people told me I should say something here about mental health and maybe give a phone number, but hot damn I’m so distracted, just look at this yacht!”
OpenAI has also announced a brand new model called WhistleblowerGPT, which is tailored specifically for federal agencies and blue chip corporations, with a joyous AI rendering of Suchir’s face as the official logo.