LAS VEGAS — Flair bartender Nico Cavalcante drew criticism from his customers today after they all agreed that he probably didn’t need to do all that with a patron’s prosthetic leg, sources confirmed.
“I was as impressed as everyone else when the bartender lit that guy’s prosthetic leg on fire and twirled it around, but there is a small part of me that questions if any of that was necessary to make a Mai Tai,” said Tom Clemens, sipping a $36 cocktail while watching the patron pour water on his melted leg. “Far be it from me to tell him how to do his job, but he was gyrating on it in front of that bachelorette party for a really long time, and the two-minute air guitar solo felt a little indulgent if his big finale was just opening a beer with the leg.”
While the boozy spectacle drew skepticism from his patrons, Cavalcante fiercely defended his artistic vision.
“Every maestro needs an instrument for their muse to communicate through: Michelangelo had his sculpting chisel, Phil Collins had his drum set, and I have that guy’s prosthetic leg,” said Cavalcante, contact juggling with a questionably-sourced glass eye. “My adoring admirers travel across the world to witness incredible feats of acrobatic mixology that delights all of their senses, and that requires each of the six Ps of flair bartending: Precision, Passion, Presentation, Personality, Professionalism, and, if the opportunity arises, Prosthetics. I defy anyone that was there that day to tell me that the ‘Lieutenant Dan Maneuver’ wasn’t absolutely vital to crafting the perfect cocktail.”
Cavalcante’s mentor, Tommy “Reno” Kowalsky, insisted that if you want to be the best, you have to use everything at your disposal—no matter what the haters say.
“Let me tell you somethin’, hombre, when flair bartenders step behind the bar we’re entering the Thunderdome, where one wrong move can be the difference between life and liquid death. I taught that young buck everything I know, and if you wanna create unforgettable cocktails sometimes you gotta break all the rules—and a few medical prostheses along the way,” said Kowalsky, performing a complicated spin move while polishing a large trophy. “I won the ’89 World Flair Bartending Championship by performing a ‘Bangkok Rim N’ Tug’ combo set to ‘Ave Maria’ and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when I wrung a Long Island Iced Tea out of that sick lady’s wig.”
At press time, Cavalcante reportedly took first at this year’s World Flair Bartending Championship despite some audience members questioning if he needed to do all that with that guy’s cremation urn.