NEW YORK — Media outlets are still scrambling to give comprehensible coverage of what they are calling the most baffling, seemingly unmotivated crime story of the century—the shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, a wealthy white man born on U.S. soil—days after the incident, insider sources confirm.
“In all my years telling people what to be afraid of I’ve never seen anything like this,” said CNN breaking news editor Arthur Helm, looking unkempt while holding a shacky styrofoam cup of coffee. “The whole thing has shattered my psyche if I’m being honest. I tried to schedule an extra session with my therapist, but my insurance wouldn’t cover it. Anyway, our best guess at this point is that the crime was part of a satanic ritual requiring a totally random human sacrifice, but we can’t run that! Can we?”
While maintaining composure on camera, the sight of major network anchors visibly shaking in break rooms or crying alone in their cars have become commonplace in the face of this, a major violent crime that appears to have nothing to do with xenophobia or misogyny.
“My job used to be so simple,” confided one anchor who chose to remain anonymous. “Say there’s a wildfire in California, right? Well, blame immigrants and antifa! But this? How am I supposed to face the nation and assure them that the murder of a man singlehandedly responsible for their loved ones not receiving the best possible medical care every day is anything but random chaos?”
While both the media and law enforcement are at a loss to what the motive behind this crime could be, sociologist and frequent network news talking head Olivia McHarris believes she has the answer.
“Well isn’t it obvious? Due to political and economic disillusionment, people have gone insane and started doing things that don’t make any sense, instead of fearing immigrants and hating women,” said McHarris. “It’s almost as if people are fed up with the billionaire class. But that can’t be it.”
Sources within Fox News have confirmed that their coverage will soon pivot to labelling the shooting “A freak accident.”