BURLINGTON, Vt. — Friends and family of recently deceased Edwin Peters decided to go the extra mile for his funeral by arranging the funeral of Don Brinkman to be presented as an opening act, life-celebrating sources confirmed.
“Doors were at 6:00pm and the opening funeral began at 7:00,” said widow Jackie Peters. “Having the other guy remembered as Eddie’s buddies were rolling in was perfect. Just how he would have liked to be honored. Dying like he did – driving his Rolls-Royce into a pool with a BAC of 0.33 – meant only one option for the funeral. At the end, people were clamoring for his will like it was the setlist. Sure, the opening widow asked to borrow my floral arrangements, but overall it went off without a hitch. For the next funeral in the family, I’m hoping for more of a three-day festival in Chicago and we’ll charge 12 bucks for a bottle of water.”
Reverend Van Houston, the officiator of both events, relished the change-of-pace that the unique funeral offered.
“Getting to warm up was great. It was nice to save my condolences for the big show,” Houston explained while buying an “Edwin Peters Forever” poster at the merch table. “I just did a generic ‘Webster’s Dictionary defines death as’ bit and that was it. That dude’s family or friends or whatever totally ate it up. Edwin’s funeral had a much bigger crowd, but they thanked everyone for coming out tonight. The crowd really seemed to be into it. They even requested a few Biblical verses from me.”
The only attendees that noticed something was amiss were the few that showed up for Brinkman’s funeral service.
“Yeah, our beloved Donnie was mundane as shit, but he deserves more than this,” remarked the 78-year-old’s younger brother, Jim Brinkman. “For instance, we had to sell tickets in order to get on this cemetery bill. We only got 30 minutes to set up, do the service, and go. Then this other guy got two hours and an encore, somehow? Seriously, they lowered Edwin’s casket into the ground and then two minutes later they hoisted it back up for a few more prayers. I should’ve known something was off when Don’s funeral was promoted as an ‘all ages burial.’”
At press time, Peters’ family revealed that they would be releasing a live recording of the funeral that would be available on all streaming platforms.