PHILADELPHIA — Local guitarist Diego Luna of the punk outfit The Nutchests reported suffering from a recurring nightmare where the crowd can actually hear their bassist’s performance, horrified sources report.
“Normally, I can sleep soundly knowing that those bass notes are buried in a mix,” said a half awake Luna, as he mixed Red Bull into his coffee. “But ever since he said his favorite musician was Sid Vicious, I’ve had these terrible dreams that people can actually hear the cacophony he’s making. Every time I close my eyes for the sweet release of sleep, I’m disturbed by visions of my bassist forgetting he’s tuned to drop D on a song we wrote in standard, but continuing to play it like normal anyways. The dreams have only gotten worse since he bought a five-string. We don’t have any songs where that is even necessary, so it’s just more wrong notes for him to play. I might just start handing him an unplugged bass and saying we finally got our wireless setup to work.”
The Nutchests’ bassist Adam Cyril expressed concern for Luna’s frantic mental state.
“I really hate to see Diego like this, I can tell the pressure has gone to his head,” remarked Cyril, completely oblivious to the low, rumbling feedback coming from his amp. “He’s so paranoid that I might accidentally produce sound that he’s turned every knob in a 10-mile radius down to zero, on the off chance they might control volume. I want to text him and tell him everything will be okay, but I haven’t been able to use my phone since he chopped off all my fingers. I was glad to hear he’s been feeling much more at ease since he started re-recording my parts on our demo tape. It’s nice to see him practicing self-care.”
Luna’s therapist Dr. Will Henson commented on the disturbing content of his client’s dreams.
“I just can’t take it anymore,” cried Dr. Henson, as he rocked back and forth in a fetal position. “I’ve had to cancel all of Diego’s future appointments because I can’t bear to hear the horrible details of his dreams again. The way he describes his bassist nodding to the beat of a song and still playing audibly off-tempo makes me sick to my stomach. It’s the most hopeless case I’ve heard in my 23 years as a therapist, and I’ve seriously had to consider a career change these past few months. If you or someone you love is at risk of becoming a bassist, my advice is to replace it with a safer, healthier alternative, like alcohol.”
At press time, The Nutchests’ drummer checked himself into a mental hospital after hearing the parts his bandmates had written for him.